Exciting news!!!

I have been wanting to return to school for quite some time now. I have an Associates Degree but I want more. Not knowing what I want to study is part of the reason it has taken me so long to act on this desire. The other part was self-doubts that I could do it - like 'I'm past college-age' type of self doubts.

Last year I decided what I wanted to study and I set a goal for myself to go back in 2012 - specifically January. This year started to wind down and I was in the process of deciding on the university. I had a feeling to deter from my plan of looking at Oregon Universities and decided to take a chance at applying to BYU Hawaii. It was a school that had crossed my mind many times, but I always disregarded it because I didn't think I was good enough. But I decided the worse thing is the answer is no and if I didn't try I would be plagued with 'what ifs' and the feeling to apply was pretty strong.

So I put in an application and I waited....

While I waited I kept being plagued with thoughts of being too old and thoughts that I have a good job and should stay with it (which is true, I work for a great company that has been VERY good to me).

Luckily while I was in Oaxaca I had the opportunity to hand out Elementary and Middle School Completions Certificates. Whenever those thoughts would enter my brain I thought of this experience. These certificates were special. They were through the adult education program. These adults (some my age, some a little younger, and some older) are working on receiving their education for elementary and middle school. They were so happy to receive the certificate and they plan to continue with their education. I think of them to remind myself that I'm not too old. We're never too old for education.

Finally the other night my waiting ended.... I was ACCEPTED!!!! Wa-hoo!!!

In other news I finished part 1 of the Oaxaca video & it's scheduled to post tomorrow

It's time...

It's time for my trip with the Friends of Pimpollo. We have received our itinerary for working in the Vincente Guerrero Community. We'll be working at a kindergarten and two different preschools, I'm so excited to be helping out on these schools. I can't wait!

Thank you to everyone who has purchased an art commission you have helped make this happen. After this is all completed I'll post a few of my favorite commissions.

Thanks again and I'll take lots of pictures while I'm away. (Pretty sure not many pictures will be taken while we're working on the schools.... a few might be taken because I hear the kids love helping out and love their pictures taken.)

Children + Big Dreams

My adorable nephew loves cars. And I mean he LOVES cars. I often hear him talking about getting a BMW or a Lamborghini or something else. We all (this includes me) laugh and say "do you know how expensive that is?" or a "you're not getting a *insert car*"

But I've been doing some thinking about this for awhile:

Who am I to dash his dreams of getting a nice sports car?

Kids dream. Kids are not conformed to a certain way of thinking.... yet. We (as a society) encourage kids to dream big and often tell them, "if you think it, then you can do it." But then we'll turn around and crush some of their dreams. I'm sure most adults are thinking they're "preparing them for the real world" but they're kids. Don't make them live in the real world yet - and besides it will be better for them if they can think outside of the box anyways.

I've decided instead of using my pessimistic knowledge of real life I'm going to encourage them to dream.

For example, I accompanyed this same nephew to a fireside at my church about college and afterwards I let him drive my car around the parking lot. He didn't want to be there at first because he's going to be a race car driver and doesn't need to go to college. Honestly, my first instinct was "you what?" (I never heard him mention this option before) but I reminded myself not to crush dreams, so our conversation went like this:

me: "But college is important, you can do both."
nephew: "....."
me: "what if you got tired of racing cars?"
nephew: ".... *shakes head no*"
me: "..... what if you got in an accident on the race track and you lost the use of your right arm?"
nephew: "...... *has a thinking face*"
me: "You'd want something to fall back on, right? What about fixing cars?"
nephew: "I like auto-mechanics."
me: "Then study that. It's not stopping you from racing cars."

Don't let the silence fool you, that one's a thinker.

Yep, I don't think I dashed that dream at all.... :-)

World Wide Web my butt....

I LOVE Project Runway. Out of all the other shows I watch, (for example Leverage, Burn Notice, White Collar (which is now in Scotland - it premiered tonight), Drop Dead Diva (it's here in Scotland), and Ghost Hunters), Project Runway was the one I was going to miss.

I figured it'll be ok because Lifetime puts up full episodes after it airs. I'll still be able to watch the goodness of it all! It's all good!

Last night I logged onto Mary and Luis' internet to watch my show. Lifetime pulls up but I can't watch the show. It's all grayed out. I refresh it and still nothing. NOTHING!

What? What's going on?

So I decided to try hulu.com and I get a message that says "I'm sorry we can only stream videos in the US." WHAT? And I thought this was the world wide web.... no bueno.

The First Part of my move...

Is time consuming and a bit frustrating.

But then I have to remind myself that I've moved to a different country and I'm only on my third day.

Don't get me wrong, it's beautiful here, Mary and Luis are great, and I have a place to stay while I look for a flat (hallelujah!), and I'm glad I moved. But resetting up the paper trail for the government to keep tabs on you is awfully difficult. And you need that paper trail to be approved for a flat. (Edit: But since writing this I've gotten some replies back from agents and there are some other ways to get what they need with my circumstances, but that requires more documents and a bigger deposit)

I just got off the phone to find out about applying for a National Insurance Number and at first the guy was very abrupt asking me why I needed one. I first thought "Oh look government employees are miserable over here too" and then I explained that I'm living here and I'm going to be working because I'm living here. He was much nicer as the call continued.

At the end he asked if I had any special needs for the meeting - If I had any disabilities? Told him no. He didn't ask me instead he said I didn't need a translator, but I was tempted to cut him off and tell him that I do. You may think "I saw Braveheart" or "I've seen Gerard Butler in movies so I can understand a Scottish accent." Well then you are WRONG. LOL But the translator would end up having a Scottish accent and that wouldn't do me any good.

I swear at times I have the deer in the headlights look when I'm having a conversation.

As I enquire (that's how it's spelled over here) about flats I put that email is preferred, mainly so I can understand what they're telling me. LOL

I know it'll just take some time.

On another note, after I arrived Wednesday morning Mary took me to downtown Glasgow to walk around and have my first scottish meal.

When I first saw him I thought he was a statue, he's really good. But we caught him on a break.

I thought this was pretty cool. This is an old building which is now the apple store. Everywhere you turn there are old buildings. It's totally sweet.

My first Scottish meal was a pizza crunch and chips. Yes, that's deep fried pizza. (PS - if you visit Scotland and want to eat at KFC you won't get mashed potatoes and gravy or a biscuit.... you get chips)

Mary took me into the Council building (I think that's what it was...) It was BEAUTIFUL inside!

and here's another room

I don't know the name of this river... I should look it up, but I don't want to. This runs through Glasgow.

And on another note.... look how cute and tiny their bread is!
Ok, I think it's now 8:00 in Oregon... people should be up right? I'm going to attempt to call my family. Wait I'll go for a walk and then call just in case they're still sleeping (because I would be!)

It's time...

I haven't had internet access for almost a week. I would check my email every once in awhile on my sister's finicky dumb phone. (she isn't exaggerating... that phone is frustrating!) It felt good to be "unplugged" to a point. The timing was probably not the best since I'm moving and internet is the only communication to meet up with some people since I don't have a phone. But for the most part it was nice, but weird, to be unplugged.

Anyways, I'm at the airport taking advantage of their wi-fi right now and I'm downloading the conference talks to listen to on the plane. I was able to attend the Saturday morning session and that was amazing! (And thanks to Kacy we had good seats too!)

When I left Oregon and said good-bye to my parents it didn't hit me that it was good-bye. My dad kept saying I'm going on a long vacation, as if he didn't want to use the big M-word. I thought that was funny and I may have been a snot a few times and corrected him that I'm moving. LOL But I was going to Utah with my sister just like we've done several times in the past, so I wasn't moving and that wasn't good-bye.

But, Monday morning as we were getting ready to head out for our activities I went over the schedule. "Ok, we need to pick Miriam up at 4 and then take you to the airport..... where I'll say good-bye.... to you." It started to hit me at that moment.

We had a lovely afternoon, ate lunch with Kacy at the Church Office building, walked around temple square, and found Laura the BEST vegan cupcake shop. (She was in heaven). I may have started to cry as we drove away from the airport after dropping her off.

And now it's time. I'm checked in and my 2 large bags are checked... which I wasn't charged for, but I'm not complaining! I'm not nervous. I know it's strange, but I'm very calm for this move.

The move was inspired and once I decided to move it was confirmed so strongly that there's no denying that this is right. I know it'll work out. I know I'll be taken care of, so why worry? I'm blessed with a friend in Glasgow to help me out which definitely makes this so much easier.

I don't know why I need to move, but no matter the reason I'll definitely grow from the experience. I look forward to work on my drawing and photography. I look forward to see how other people live outside of my bubble. I look forward to learning about all the great history of other countries. I look forward to work on my family history. I look forward to travel to places I never thought I'd get a chance to see. I look forward to see what the Lord has in store for me.

So I'm off!

P.S. I think I have the strangest nightmares. The other night I was tossing and turning and woke up frantic. I had a nightmare that they wouldn't let me in Scotland because I wasn't breathing right. Then I realized I was quite congested and I went to blow my nose before going back to sleep. :-)

Liberating

I have this strange feeling that I've never really felt before. The best word to describe the feeling is free.

I'm free of self-doubts. I have a course and I'm working my way through it. I have accomplished a goal! (I usually quit before I finish, so this is big!) And most of all I received an amazing gift at the temple on August 13th.

I've always been filled with self-doubt. I didn't think I was worth anything and didn't think what I did was ever good enough. I always second guessed myself in everything I did and thought and picked myself apart. But since the 13th I've been overflowing with a sense of calm and peace. I've had confidence and I haven't had self-doubts. I know what I need to do and I'll do my best and the Lord will help me fill in the pieces. (Like a flat that I can afford. LOL)

I got rid of my "stuff." How much stuff do we have that we really need? Not a lot, I sold it and I don't miss it. I was letting stuff tie me down.

I'm not defined by what I own.

My importance isn't defined by how much "stuff" or, the oh-so-loving term I use, "crap" that I own.

I'm free of how I think others perceive me. A.k.a I currently don't care what people think.

I used to say this, but really it was a lie. I did care. Lately at work I've been told I've been a bit "feisty" and it's been surprising people. (And I'm going to tell you a secret.... I like being told this!) I think I've even been a bit quick witted, I'm not usually like that!

I joke with my friends & family that I have an inner goth (well actually she's more of an inner punk. Her name is Sachiko). Anyways, if I truly didn't care how people perceived me or thought of me my inner punk/goth would have be on the outside a long time ago. I think this freedom may have something to do with me dying my hair purple. (the appointment is set for 9/28)

Yes, you read that correctly - purple. PURPLE. Exciting, huh?

I have no idea why purple. Purple isn't one of my favorite colors but I've always wanted purple hair. I blame Psylocke. (from The X-Men)

Photo found here

I'm off on an adventure for balance, self discovery, and fun, right? So now's the time to have purple hair!

Some people may say "Purple hair isn't for someone your age" or "You need to dress your age" but my response to those people is, screw you. Remember I don't care what you think :-)

You know, I finally feel like I'm me. The real me. Not the me that I've created for people to see.

This probably makes no sense to you, but trust me - I'm free and it's so liberating! Have an amazing weekend! I'll be at the pirate festival in Portland so you know I'll be having a great time.

I have decided

to attend the University of Life.

And the first step is for me to move to England!

You may be thinking "What? But you never finish anything you set out to do."

That may be true but that doesn't mean it's always true or always has to be like that.

And no, this isn't something drastic.

About a year ago I had to come up with a long term goal. When I came up with "I want to live abroad" I didn't expect it to mean in 2010. I spent several weeks thinking about where I would move, if I'll really move, and to map out a timeline.

Once I decided that I was going to move to England I knew immediately that it was right and I wanted to go at that moment. My sensible side took over and decided some things needed to be done first. My timeframe has changed since a couple times because those "things" weren't accomplished. But you adjust the time table not the goal. I'm sure there are people out there that have known about this thought I was never going to go. But that's ok, the only thing that matters is that I'm going to go and they're not! :-P (LOL)

I still don't have a departure date because those airline tickets are so expensive during the summer. My goal is after tourist season (end of September / first part of October) because the tickets will be reasonable so my move date is depending on the airline ticket cost.

I'm really excited but at the same time really nervous. The more I think about it, there is still a lot that needs to be done. My plan is to stay a year, but if I don't get a job and run out of money then it'll be less than a year. :-)

I have wanted to go back to school for quite awhile and I need to do some soul searching before I move onto that I believe. At least I now know what I'm going to go back to school for. That was taking me a long time to decide.

I'm excited to have an adventure, see the world, see how life outside of my bubble is, work on some family history, meet new people and to live life to the fullest!

PS - Don't worry Sherri, I'll try to make it Pella sometime :-)

I need a photography challenge!

And I think I have discovered one.

Each week in July I'm going to go out on a photo-walk using film. Yes, you read that correctly. Film. I'm affectionally calling it :

Film may be a dying art but it's not dead! If I can get my hands on it I want to do a week with black and white film and a week with slide film but have it processed as 35 mm. This is going to be fun!

Digital is just so.... perfect. I'm kind of tired of perfect. There's beauty in imperfections. If you expose and focus properly film can have "perfect" results as well. BUT isn't it more fun to manipulate the film and get different images. Images that not anyone and everyone can take. For example, my Holga lets light in and the film is exposed to light leaks, most will say this is an imperfection and ruins the film, but it makes the images unpredictable. And I find that exciting! My favorite photo that I've taken is from my Holga.

Unfortunately I won't be able to share my favorites right away since I have to get the film developed before I can share.

P.S. I know "le film" is movie film but I liked the sound of it better than viva la pellicule

Life lessons

Free. What does the word free mean to you? 

In my mind, as most Americans, free is a gift or an item that you're given without paying or giving other services for it . 

But that's not true.  It's a lure to bring you in so you put your guard down.  I learned that in Egypt. 

"Free gift!" is not a free gift, it's an item they put in your hands and then get you to pay for it.  Unless you're me, I got my "free gift" without paying for it.  (It's called run away to the safety of the guarded cruise ship. LOL)    In fact one night on our cruise, Aarti and I were talking to our new found friend in the gift shop.  He pulled something out and told us it's a "free gift."  We looked at him and said "We know what free really means here in Egypt." and he just laughed.  It's funny because it's true. 

But it's true everywhere.  Come on, everyone has heard, "There's no such thing as a free gift."  It's true, you may think you're getting something for free but that's because you didn't read everything completely.  For example, you sign up for a free credit report and then you notice you're being charged $14.95 every month.  How can this happen?  That was free!  Yes it was free with an enrollment in their program that costs $14.95 a month.  And you just checked that box to continue without reading the information.

But I do know one thing that is truely free, thanks to identify theft!  You are entitled to a free copy of your credit report every year which you can get here.  But if you want your credit score you'll have to buy that!  You know, you should check your credit every year to make sure it's accurate.  It's a way to make sure your identity hasn't been stolen and accurate information is being reported.  You have the right to dispute any inaccurate information.

You know what else?

Scammers.  Or who I like to call scummers becasue they're scum. 

They're everywhere waiting to strike you when you least expect it.  And sadly they pop up during horrible disasters.  Remember that earthquake in Haiti that happened only a few days ago?  It breaks your heart and you want to help somehow, anyway possible.  Then you get a lovely email from a company asking for donations to help.  You think I can't personally go help, but I can at least donate some money to help them.  And then you click that link.  And you've just been scammed.  Here's a link to the FBI site for information and warnings on the Haiti Relief scams.

So what's the life lesson?  READ!  Read every single word before you sign, before you click submit / continue, before you click "I have read and understand the terms and conditions"  (Ok, I admit I don't read every terms and conditions but I will read enough to find out if it costs me money and how to cancel.)

And that's your lessons for tonight.  Sorry, I felt like being on a soap box tonight.

Happy New Year

2010 is going to be a good year for me.  I have several goals for 2010 that will help enrich my life.  My goals range from spiritual, knowledge, and talent.  (One is definitely to finish projects.  Hahaha!)

I have a very personal goal and I'll let you in on it but please don't think this is for the "comments" or attention, but I have a very dear and personal goal this year to meet that I'm sharing. 

I'll let you in on a secret, I'm not me. Let me explain:

The true me has been buried through years and years of being what others wanted, what others think I should be, and me not thinking I'm worth being me. Now most people aren't going to continue reading because they'll think this is a “poor-me” essay but then that's your decision, but I assure it's not.

Growing up I've always tried to be the good one. I never approached my parent's to do any sort of sports or activities through school because they always cost money. Money that I didn't want to ask because I wasn't worth it. I'm not an only child so I would push my wants aside and not ask because my family didn't have a lot of money and there were other kids at home. Others were more important than me, or so I thought.

I decided to get a job when I was sixteen so I could have money to do the things I wanted. Big mistake. That only meant I'd be working all the time and wouldn't have time to have fun with my friends or put school first. Crucial years where I could study in school and do activities to discover me were spent working. Things in school came easy to me and I stuck with the easy. I didn't try harder classes to challenge myself because I had to work. Because that's what the good girl does. I have a regret, I wish I didn't work so early in life, that I had more fun with friends, and challenged myself more. I was smart and in the wrong classes, which is why things came easy.

It's frustrating when you wear so many masks that people around you don't know the real you.  And I'll admit my frustration has put me on edge and bit annoyed at things easily.  Which unfortunately my family perceives my annoyance as anger and they better run for cover Stephanie is on the loose!  Oh, and heaven forbid I be sarcastic because that also equates to me being upset and on the loose.

The do know the reason that I'm more annoyed and on edge lately but it's hard to verbalize to people and when I've tried they don't stop and listen.  I'll just get brushed you off because “I'm just wrong because that's not how things really are.” Maybe I don't need to be told how things are or aren't, but just someone to listen to me.

Now you're probably thinking “She said this isn't a 'poor-me' post.” And it's not. I'm trying to explain the past and bit of who I am today, so I can move on.

When I was away at school I still worked. (Again school didn't come first, which is a regret). I was a different person when I was away. I was getting closer to the real me, I really was. I still had issues with confidence and my self-worth, but I was someone that had fun, not so much of a homebody. I was different there than the person that's here now.

So what happened when I moved back to Salem? I took a step backward, not forward. Or so I feel. It's really hard coming back, I feel that every thing's changed but me. My old friends who are still here have families and are moving on with their lives. And I feel as if I've done nothing with my life, just floating around in circles and wasting it. I hide from everybody. If someone does see me and starts a conversation, I shrink away and feel like “Oh, you caught me. Why are you talking to me? Don't you have something better to do?” Did you catch the key question there? “Don't you have something better to do?” That's not right, no one should feel that they're not worth the time and effort of someone talking to them.

I don't regret my move back. I was missing my family and missing my nieces and nephews growing up.  (I adore being near my nieces and nephews.) And if I didn't move back I probably wouldn't have come to some realizations. And most definitely wouldn't have come up with my plan to gain confidence, a plan that is dear to me.

I do know this comes back to my feeling of inferiority. And I know this is not an inherited trait it's a learned trait. So the issue at hand is that I need to break this cycle. How does one teach themselves that they are worth something? How does one stop thinking of the regrets?  Those decisions I've made in he past, including the ones I regret, have molded me into who I am today.  The moment I stop regretting past choices is the moment I truly love how I am today.

Just a paragraph up I mentioned a plan. Yes, I do have a plan to gain confidence, fine my worth, love who I am and in turn bring out the real me.

But there are snags with this plan. There are several mini goals that I need to meet before my plan can happen. But I'm afraid my family doesn't understand the extent of what this plan means to me and in their eyes it's becoming just an adventure or something just for fun.

First of all, I love you all deeply but this is my plan. I know what needs to be done before and I know what needs to be done during.  I know you're just trying to help me out, but the suggestions that you bring me don't meet the end result of my plan.  Therefore I shoot them down and in turn you get upset and angry at me for “not listening.” I listen and I hear you. You are just wrong. I love talking about my plan because it helps fire me back up when I start feeling down (thanks inferiority complex! I can't wait until you're gone), please continue being an ear for me to talk to and be open to my plan. Just please, please, please stop telling me what to do because your suggestions are not going to help me to reach my end goal.

As I mentioned there are several mini goals that need to be accomplished first. If those are not reached within the timetable then my plan must be pushed back in accordance. This does not mean I'm not going through with my plan. This does not mean I've changed my mind. It just means that the precursor goals were not met on time. Nothing more. Please do not make me feel sad or ashamed if I have to change the time table for my plan. It will happen because for me to build my confidence and to grow I need this plan.

You know what I find funny? I have always joked about having an inner goth/punk. For Halloween I was a conservative punk at work (I wore my purple hair extensions and it was awesome) and then I was a goth Cinderella for the actual Halloween. I felt so free and so me, so I think there's part truth to that joke. I wish I found her when I was younger.

But that is a regret, and no more regrets.

I have a plan to bring out the real me and to move forward.  Things of the past are done but I'm a firm believe that for a person to move forward in life they need to come to terms and resolve anything in their past. Or else you're just going to go in circles and be miserable and not know why.

Like I said at the beginning, this is going to be a good year. To those that actually read the entire post, thanks for listening. It felt really good writing this out. I'm already feeling free.  (Sorry that was so long...)

What are your resolutions?

I think...

no... I know!

York will be my England destination for the 2010 vacation. Now I need to save up all that dough to make it happen. And it will happen.

(Since Christmas is coming up, please no gifts, I'd like donations to my savings account. :-) Thanks fam!)

Yay for living with mommy and daddy to pay off debt. Thanks and you guys are the best!

I have found another place...

... that I'd love to visit. Again it's in England.

Bath, Somerset.

No it's not because it's always mentioned in Jane Austen novels. I came across this webiste that had readers rate places in the UK as the best place to live. Most of the posts are crap, but someone actually took it serious and placed Bath as their #1. I thought to myself, "Self if someone thinks it's a great place to live wouldn't it be a great place to visit?"

So I researched.

There really are hot springs there. Same as last time so far my only research is Wikipedia, so if you go and look up make sure to look at the photos they have posted, can we say GORGEOUS!

The climate is very temperate and is generally wetter and milder than the rest of England. July and August are the warmest times which is around 69.8 degrees F.

I don't think I need to mention the immense amount of history located here. And I sure do love my history.

The University of Life

I have decided just because I have not been able to get back to school like I want, doesn't mean I can't learn about new things.

Welcome to the University of Life.

If I find anything cool that I want to post about while I" study" I will post under this tag.

After all aren't we supposed to learn from life?

Here's a geography lesson:

In northern England between the Ouse and Foss Rivers is a city called York. It's a walled city (isn't that cool!) It was found in 71 AD by the Romans, and it was the capital of the Roman Province of Britannia Inferior. The city has changed hands over the years and by doing so changed names as well.

Now archeologists suggest that Mesolithic peopled settled the region of York between 8000 and 7000 BC. When the Romans came to the area it was populated with a tribe that they knew as Brigantes.

I think it would be an amazing place to visit. It's halfway between London and Edinburgh (London is 2 hours by direct rail). But the area is cool too - you have a big city but it's a bordered by the Pennines, the North York Moors, and the Yorkshire Wolds. Can you just imagine the photos you could get!

If you want to visit and expect to just drive through the city you're in for a rude awakening. The city is surrounded on all sides by an outer ring road, which is about 3 miles from the city center. The planning of the streets date back to medieval times and is not suitable for modern traffic. Which means streets inside the city walls are designated as car free during business hours or don't allow cars at all.

I love Wikipedia, I found this information there. Doesn't it sound like a cool place to visit?