01 January 2010

Happy New Year

2010 is going to be a good year for me.  I have several goals for 2010 that will help enrich my life.  My goals range from spiritual, knowledge, and talent.  (One is definitely to finish projects.  Hahaha!)

I have a very personal goal and I'll let you in on it but please don't think this is for the "comments" or attention, but I have a very dear and personal goal this year to meet that I'm sharing. 

I'll let you in on a secret, I'm not me. Let me explain:

The true me has been buried through years and years of being what others wanted, what others think I should be, and me not thinking I'm worth being me. Now most people aren't going to continue reading because they'll think this is a “poor-me” essay but then that's your decision, but I assure it's not.

Growing up I've always tried to be the good one. I never approached my parent's to do any sort of sports or activities through school because they always cost money. Money that I didn't want to ask because I wasn't worth it. I'm not an only child so I would push my wants aside and not ask because my family didn't have a lot of money and there were other kids at home. Others were more important than me, or so I thought.

I decided to get a job when I was sixteen so I could have money to do the things I wanted. Big mistake. That only meant I'd be working all the time and wouldn't have time to have fun with my friends or put school first. Crucial years where I could study in school and do activities to discover me were spent working. Things in school came easy to me and I stuck with the easy. I didn't try harder classes to challenge myself because I had to work. Because that's what the good girl does. I have a regret, I wish I didn't work so early in life, that I had more fun with friends, and challenged myself more. I was smart and in the wrong classes, which is why things came easy.

It's frustrating when you wear so many masks that people around you don't know the real you.  And I'll admit my frustration has put me on edge and bit annoyed at things easily.  Which unfortunately my family perceives my annoyance as anger and they better run for cover Stephanie is on the loose!  Oh, and heaven forbid I be sarcastic because that also equates to me being upset and on the loose.

The do know the reason that I'm more annoyed and on edge lately but it's hard to verbalize to people and when I've tried they don't stop and listen.  I'll just get brushed you off because “I'm just wrong because that's not how things really are.” Maybe I don't need to be told how things are or aren't, but just someone to listen to me.

Now you're probably thinking “She said this isn't a 'poor-me' post.” And it's not. I'm trying to explain the past and bit of who I am today, so I can move on.

When I was away at school I still worked. (Again school didn't come first, which is a regret). I was a different person when I was away. I was getting closer to the real me, I really was. I still had issues with confidence and my self-worth, but I was someone that had fun, not so much of a homebody. I was different there than the person that's here now.

So what happened when I moved back to Salem? I took a step backward, not forward. Or so I feel. It's really hard coming back, I feel that every thing's changed but me. My old friends who are still here have families and are moving on with their lives. And I feel as if I've done nothing with my life, just floating around in circles and wasting it. I hide from everybody. If someone does see me and starts a conversation, I shrink away and feel like “Oh, you caught me. Why are you talking to me? Don't you have something better to do?” Did you catch the key question there? “Don't you have something better to do?” That's not right, no one should feel that they're not worth the time and effort of someone talking to them.

I don't regret my move back. I was missing my family and missing my nieces and nephews growing up.  (I adore being near my nieces and nephews.) And if I didn't move back I probably wouldn't have come to some realizations. And most definitely wouldn't have come up with my plan to gain confidence, a plan that is dear to me.

I do know this comes back to my feeling of inferiority. And I know this is not an inherited trait it's a learned trait. So the issue at hand is that I need to break this cycle. How does one teach themselves that they are worth something? How does one stop thinking of the regrets?  Those decisions I've made in he past, including the ones I regret, have molded me into who I am today.  The moment I stop regretting past choices is the moment I truly love how I am today.

Just a paragraph up I mentioned a plan. Yes, I do have a plan to gain confidence, fine my worth, love who I am and in turn bring out the real me.

But there are snags with this plan. There are several mini goals that I need to meet before my plan can happen. But I'm afraid my family doesn't understand the extent of what this plan means to me and in their eyes it's becoming just an adventure or something just for fun.

First of all, I love you all deeply but this is my plan. I know what needs to be done before and I know what needs to be done during.  I know you're just trying to help me out, but the suggestions that you bring me don't meet the end result of my plan.  Therefore I shoot them down and in turn you get upset and angry at me for “not listening.” I listen and I hear you. You are just wrong. I love talking about my plan because it helps fire me back up when I start feeling down (thanks inferiority complex! I can't wait until you're gone), please continue being an ear for me to talk to and be open to my plan. Just please, please, please stop telling me what to do because your suggestions are not going to help me to reach my end goal.

As I mentioned there are several mini goals that need to be accomplished first. If those are not reached within the timetable then my plan must be pushed back in accordance. This does not mean I'm not going through with my plan. This does not mean I've changed my mind. It just means that the precursor goals were not met on time. Nothing more. Please do not make me feel sad or ashamed if I have to change the time table for my plan. It will happen because for me to build my confidence and to grow I need this plan.

You know what I find funny? I have always joked about having an inner goth/punk. For Halloween I was a conservative punk at work (I wore my purple hair extensions and it was awesome) and then I was a goth Cinderella for the actual Halloween. I felt so free and so me, so I think there's part truth to that joke. I wish I found her when I was younger.

But that is a regret, and no more regrets.

I have a plan to bring out the real me and to move forward.  Things of the past are done but I'm a firm believe that for a person to move forward in life they need to come to terms and resolve anything in their past. Or else you're just going to go in circles and be miserable and not know why.

Like I said at the beginning, this is going to be a good year. To those that actually read the entire post, thanks for listening. It felt really good writing this out. I'm already feeling free.  (Sorry that was so long...)

What are your resolutions?


Ivon said...

Woot, woot, I have a goth/punk daughter. Go girl, and have fun. I want to go on your fun adventures. Love you.

laura said...

You said you've always tried to be the good one - does that mean that now you're going to be wild and crazy?
I can see you now, (I know I'll be spelling it wrong) Sagico the Goth Roller Derby Princess!
What are some of your mini plans? Maybe I can do some of them with you. I lika aspending some tima witha youa.
I love you no matter what you do, did, where you live, what job you have, ornery or sweet. (but I do have to admit that I like sweet a smidge better)
I love you my awesome sister and most awesomest auntie. Love. Love. Love. Love. You.

Kim Despain said...

I think we all feel similar ~ maybe not about the same exact things, but the emotions are the same. I hear you on the "quit feeling inferior" front and have myself given up caring as much what others think ~ it's very freeing! I'm glad to have had the opportunity to get to know you over the last year! Don't ever feel like you have to hide yourself because you're a super fun, talented woman and I feel privileged to be your friend!! Love ya!

5Youngers said...

Loved reading this post. You have no idea how much I regret about my high school past and so on. I hid a LOT! Good for you and your goals and your state of mind. It is always empowering to realize the most import goal in life is to be HAPPY! Have fun on your journey... love ya sista.

Nancy said...

This was quite an eye opener and a good learning experience about you. I see you in a whole different light (we always see ourselves differently than others see us). I see someone that can do anything. Someone that is talented, pretty, kind and understanding with her nieces and nephews. Someone that is thoughtful of others, has a good heart, fun loving, knowledgeable, adventurous (going to Egypt with people you didn't know on that tour). And a very loving daughter!!!!! I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sherri Jorgensen said...

I was hoping to get all the juicy details of your plan. Everyone has to travel a road to find their identity and i am excited to hear about yours. Someday I'll share mine...as difficult as it was! I know you dont want advice...but since we just met I am going to give you some. I have heard that the best place to get to where you are going..whereever that may be ...is here in Pella, Iowa. I know it sounds crazy. Of all the places you have visited and all the things you have done, why pella? Well, it is special...come and see!
On the whole change thing. I believe in change. We are in control of who we are and what we do and so if I want to change I do! Regardless of what anyone else thinks. For example I have been done having kids since #3...but it is just because I like to live in the present not the future or past.
Have fun Steph! And let us know your ride!
I love you

Ardith said...

thank you for sharing about yourself. These are reminders we all need to hear.

The Steve said...

That was seriously too long, and I didn't make it past the second paragraph. Care to sum it up in a sentence or two ?

You could always move up to Alaska...we can be roomies again. Just be sure to obey the sock on the door knob rule ! ^_^