My brain mulls over and over on an idea/ feelings concerning something that happened to me/or thoughts that I have until I have it have figured it out or figured out how to express what I feel / think.
Several months ago I had something going through this endless cycle in my brain but I hesitated to share it since I know Derek doesn't read anything too long or without pictures which I'm sure is the same for a lot of people. But then I thought, "who freakin cares." It's my blog and I can blog about what I want to. I may not get the comments that other family members get, but meh. I started this blog right after getting back from Egypt originally to talk and post pictures from my travels but it's become more of an outlet for me. (so therapeutic)
So here I go, welcome to craziness of my mind..... (Did I mention there really is crazy in my family line, I partly blame that)
Disclaimer - Anything that's been "on my mind lately" isn't a pity post and I'm not phishing for compliments.
So several months back I was having a problem figuring out my place within my family. If you put me in a room with my two younger brothers we talk, laugh (a lot), and Derek tries to tickle me or wrestle with me (ok, there's no try here because he usually succeeds). On the other hand if you put in a room with my older siblings it's uncomfortable and awkward small talk. (Except with Laura because we're friends.)
Now each sibling has something other siblings will contact them for help:
Laura - if you need photographs she's the one everyone contacts.
Ivon - if you need something done in photoshop or artsy he's contacted.
Mike - if you have questions about UPS, you ask him.
Steve - if you have questions concerning computers or you have a problem with your computer, he's your man.
Derek - if you need tips to ask for free stuff, he's the expert.
Yes, I dabble in photography but I'm uncomfortable with portraits so please, go to Laura. But I know Photoshop (not know in the Biblical sense but I know quite a bit in photoshop), so why aren't I asked? Ivon went to art school so because I'm basically self-taught I'm not good enough to ask with help in Photoshop?
There are things that I know but heaven forbid my older brother will listen to me because he's older and therefore smarter than I. Is that why I'm not asked? They see me as "dumb"?
So these questions kept going through my mind... where do I belong, why aren't I asked for anything, what is my contribution? (I know, this sounds so petty and stupid but in my defense I was having other issues going on during this time - it was an angry / dark time for me)
I have never mastered anything because there's so much to learn and I want to learn it all. I know enough to get by in several areas. So the above questions led me into questioning everything about myself. Should I abandon my quest for knowledge in so many different areas and focus on one area and become a master in that area? Possibly an area that my siblings will ask me for help in?
It is inevitable that these type of questions will lead to questions of self-worth and if I'm good enough for anything. (Again, not a very happy place.)
After a couple of miserable weeks contemplating these questions and trying to reach an answer my sister sent out an email of inspirational quotes from Marjorie Hinckley. I love inspirational quotes so I read them and came across this one:
"We women have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives. We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us. We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something. We have to learn to be content with what we are."
After reading that, I stopped, because it hit me "this is the answer."
The answer was so simple. Possibly too simple for me to reach on my own. I was trying to prove to others that I can do things / that I'm worth going to for help.
Why was I doing that? Do I think that if I can prove to others that I know and can do things then I prove my worth to myself? Yes! That's exactly what I was thinking and it's wrong on so many levels. I need to be mature enough to be content with who I am.
And who I am is:
- A person that craves knowledge for knowledge sake.
- A person that will pay tuition just to learn even if it's something I won't use for a career. (Yes, I'm the type of person that took more than two years to complete an associates degree because there was so much to learn at that little school).
- A person that studies Egypt because it's a passion even though I'm not going into the desert digging up monuments and such.
- A person that wants to go back to school and get a bachelor's degree in psychology and most likely will take a lot of different classes that will have nothing to do with that degree.
- A person that wants to dabble in different forms of art and crafts because I think it's fun.
- A person that takes forever to finish a project because I have project ADD.
- A person that wants to travel the world and see what's beyond the little bubble I live in, see how other people live, visit and learn about different cultures.
- A person that's not mastering any particular "thing" because I'm mastering being a "Jill of all trades".
I'm this person for me and for no one else. And it's OK!
Like I said earlier I'm not phishing for compliments, so if you want to comment please comment with an answer to - "Are you content with who you are? And who are you?"
