This is therapy so it may be long...

I have not been feeling good the last couple of days and I practically slept through yesterday. I was talking to Amanda through skype last night (skype I love you!) and she asked me if I was sick or blue? I thought I was getting sick because my throat was bothering me and I just wasn't feeling right but the more I thought about it I think it was more blue.

So I did some self reflecting and thinking.

I realized that I've spent years and a lot of time trying to find me and learning to love myself. I think I've done pretty well at it, but there's a small part of me that I've buried that still thinks I'm worthless, I can't do anything, I've made so many mistakes and that's why I'm floating in life not going anywhere. And lately that part has been giving me quite a bit of doubts on everything.

One of the biggest goals I had with my adventure/move was to balance my life. I haven't done that at all! I've been here for about two months and I'm the same unbalanced person, but I haven't tried to change. So last night I came up with a plan!

And that plan started today... and I did it! I woke up and got out of bed at 9:00! Most people may be thinking that 9 is nothing but that's a BIG thing for me (eventually I want it to be 8 or even 7). I don't like getting out of bed. And I accomplished my entire morning routine - which will happen daily. Yay me!

I decided today is a pamper day for me and my flat. I am not completely moved in and housework is loading up. When I was thinking last night I thought about how one's appearance is a reflection on how they feel inside and I think that may also go with their home. Me and my home weren't doing so well. And I'm going to start actually getting ready for the day (aka - I'm lazy getting ready I just throw the hair in a ponytail, etc) and I'm going to start a pamper routine as well. If I take care of the appearance I also take care of me.

I happened to check Skype this morning, even though I know it's 1:00 am back home and no one would be on, but I saw Amanda on and I can't remember how I started the conversation, but it was a good thing I did. She was up working on her paper and second guessing herself. After telling her to scream in a pillow we chatted and I remember telling her to trust her instincts and don't second guess herself. Hmm.. I should tell that to myself too.

After doing my morning exercise and eating breakfast (I know, I ate breakfast!) I went on Facebook and browsed through the newsfeed and Emily put a great quote as her status:

"Learn to value yourself, which means: to fight for your happiness." - Ayn Rand (1905 - 1982)

While I type this The Fresh Prince of Bel Air is on for background noise and Geoffrey just told Hillary "What matters is what you think about yourself."

Hmmm... the universe is telling me something!

I've had a great several years, I've learned a lot, I've been to amazing places, I've met wonderful people, I now know what I want to go to school for (yay finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up!), and there's still so much to do, so I'm going to take note from myself and all the quotes and sayings that are around me and stick with my new routine to balance my life, continue exploring (which will be limited with the snow - but I'll figure something out), and when that little part of me starts giving me doubts I'll tell it to go away!

Sorry for the long post and the rambling - really you don't need to read it, I just needed to talk to someone so my blog is it.

I was going to go Christmas shopping tomorrow.... hopefully I won't have to change my plans to much and will still be able to go out. But if not, oh well - I'll just go another day. :-)

Oh, you know what I love about the snow here? I can see the snowflakes. Back home when it would snow it all was mushed together and I wasn't able to make out the snowflakes, here I can. I like to still my arm or backpack in the snow and then look at the flakes. They're so pretty!