Several months ago I had something going through this endless cycle in my brain but I hesitated to share it since I know Derek doesn't read anything too long or without pictures which I'm sure is the same for a lot of people. But then I thought, "who freakin cares." It's my blog and I can blog about what I want to. I may not get the comments that other family members get, but meh. I started this blog right after getting back from Egypt originally to talk and post pictures from my travels but it's become more of an outlet for me. (so therapeutic)
So here I go, welcome to craziness of my mind..... (Did I mention there really is crazy in my family line, I partly blame that)
Disclaimer - Anything that's been "on my mind lately" isn't a pity post and I'm not phishing for compliments.
So several months back I was having a problem figuring out my place within my family. If you put me in a room with my two younger brothers we talk, laugh (a lot), and Derek tries to tickle me or wrestle with me (ok, there's no try here because he usually succeeds). On the other hand if you put in a room with my older siblings it's uncomfortable and awkward small talk. (Except with Laura because we're friends.)
Now each sibling has something other siblings will contact them for help:
Laura - if you need photographs she's the one everyone contacts.
Ivon - if you need something done in photoshop or artsy he's contacted.
Mike - if you have questions about UPS, you ask him.
Steve - if you have questions concerning computers or you have a problem with your computer, he's your man.
Derek - if you need tips to ask for free stuff, he's the expert.
Yes, I dabble in photography but I'm uncomfortable with portraits so please, go to Laura. But I know Photoshop (not know in the Biblical sense but I know quite a bit in photoshop), so why aren't I asked? Ivon went to art school so because I'm basically self-taught I'm not good enough to ask with help in Photoshop?
There are things that I know but heaven forbid my older brother will listen to me because he's older and therefore smarter than I. Is that why I'm not asked? They see me as "dumb"?
So these questions kept going through my mind... where do I belong, why aren't I asked for anything, what is my contribution? (I know, this sounds so petty and stupid but in my defense I was having other issues going on during this time - it was an angry / dark time for me)
I have never mastered anything because there's so much to learn and I want to learn it all. I know enough to get by in several areas. So the above questions led me into questioning everything about myself. Should I abandon my quest for knowledge in so many different areas and focus on one area and become a master in that area? Possibly an area that my siblings will ask me for help in?
It is inevitable that these type of questions will lead to questions of self-worth and if I'm good enough for anything. (Again, not a very happy place.)
After a couple of miserable weeks contemplating these questions and trying to reach an answer my sister sent out an email of inspirational quotes from Marjorie Hinckley. I love inspirational quotes so I read them and came across this one:
"We women have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives. We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us. We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something. We have to learn to be content with what we are."
After reading that, I stopped, because it hit me "this is the answer."
The answer was so simple. Possibly too simple for me to reach on my own. I was trying to prove to others that I can do things / that I'm worth going to for help.
Why was I doing that? Do I think that if I can prove to others that I know and can do things then I prove my worth to myself? Yes! That's exactly what I was thinking and it's wrong on so many levels. I need to be mature enough to be content with who I am.
And who I am is:
- A person that craves knowledge for knowledge sake.
- A person that will pay tuition just to learn even if it's something I won't use for a career. (Yes, I'm the type of person that took more than two years to complete an associates degree because there was so much to learn at that little school).
- A person that studies Egypt because it's a passion even though I'm not going into the desert digging up monuments and such.
- A person that wants to go back to school and get a bachelor's degree in psychology and most likely will take a lot of different classes that will have nothing to do with that degree.
- A person that wants to dabble in different forms of art and crafts because I think it's fun.
- A person that takes forever to finish a project because I have project ADD.
- A person that wants to travel the world and see what's beyond the little bubble I live in, see how other people live, visit and learn about different cultures.
- A person that's not mastering any particular "thing" because I'm mastering being a "Jill of all trades".
I'm this person for me and for no one else. And it's OK!
Like I said earlier I'm not phishing for compliments, so if you want to comment please comment with an answer to - "Are you content with who you are? And who are you?"
9 comments:
I would be shocked if anyone says they are content with who they are because
1. We are always so hard on ourselves.
2. We are never "good enough" which can be a good & bad thing - it's how you look at it.
3. We all have self doubts & insecurity
So what I'm trying to say us you're nbot alone in your thought process
PS - I think you're amazing & I'm so glad you're my sister!! :-)
True, but I think we have to be content with who we are on a daily basis.
Some days we're going to love who we are but some days we're going to be filled with doubt and be hard on ourselves.
On those days we have to force ourselves to be content with who we are. Just like self-affirmations if you tell yourself positive things enough times you will start to believe them.
So you can still answer if your content with yourself.
I will never be content, sort of. There will always be a new horizon. I was content with my progress in FarmVille, and I stopped playing the game. I wasn't content progress with Mafia Wars but realized it took too much of my time, and I stopped playing the game. I would say, I am too flexible to be content but I am happy. :)
Love you. and I like pictures too.
I am the queen of second guessing EVERYTHING I do and say and fretting about it for days.....
I have been feeling much more content lately (though I've still had a few relapses) because I'm tired of being who other people want me to be and need to happy with who I am and surround myself with people who don't care if I get crazy and who occasionally laugh at things I say. It took me much prayer and a blessing to realize that I didn't want to carry that burden anymore, that not everyone is going to like me and that it's out of my control. The only thing I can control is me. I've felt so much more relaxed and I think that because I've been repairing myself, other things are also getting repaired in the process.
I also think you're an incredibly talented person and you are second to no one. I may not have sisters, but I have friends and I'm glad you're one of them!
To quote an SNL skit from the 80s, "you're good enough, you're smart enough and doggone it, people like you!"
So I'll end with this....I'm much more content with me than I used to be. And I think I'm kind, sensitive, loyal, creative, smart, have a great memory for trivial things and a good friend. Does that sound conceited? I'm not going to worry about it! I'm not going to worry about how I sounded!! :-)
Sorry ~ I didn't mean to leave such an epoch for a comment!!
Wow! that was a long post.
I started skimming looking for photo's and I saw my name and decided to read the whole thing.
I know exactly where you belong in the family. (and for what its worth, my place of knowing how to get free stuff, isn't all that noble...thanks)
You're the best wrestling partner in the family! Michael and Larry J are too easy.
Your place is to teach me when to stop teasing.For those of you who don't know yet, it's when Stephs face turns red.
Your place is to teach me cooking tips such as... teaching me that Mac and Cheese is better when you add a little extra butter and a little less milk.
Your place is to share the love of chocolate and of fudge rounds.
Your place is to be the video editor.
Your place is to be guardian of the TV dinners in the freezer.
Your place is take me one sister brother date and pay. (this is where my talent comes in...free stuff, again.)
Your place is to help me play tricks on mom.
Your place is to let Pixy drink from the sink.
Your place was to introduce everyone to Avatar, the last air bender.
etc, etc, etc.
Love you!
I think self worth comes with age. Early in my life, I just wanted people to like me so much, I was always worried about saying the wrong thing. I wouldn't talk much (to be safe) WRONG!!!! Then people think you are a snob. Talk about a backfire!
I have come a long way in my 61 years. It took me years and years to realize you need to just be yourself and make yourself happy.
Talking about your place in the family, you are the to go person for making clothes and costumes. I'm amazed how you do things with no pattern!!
I love you and I think of you as my friend. I love it when we are in the sewing room, both doing our own thing and watching a certain "dumb show" and laughing so hard!! Go Team Stephanie!!
If you asked me yesterday I would answer that question in a "no, I'm not content with who I am". But if you asked me today my answer would be "I'm working on it". This has been a life struggle for me as well. The older I get the more I fit into my own skin. I am now not afraid to say what I'm thinking but I still worry if I will offend someone. I need lots and lots of work but I know that one day I will be able to answer "yes, I am content with who I am" without hesitation.
Good luck to us all on our quest.
I think being content with yourself doesn't mean you don't continue to grow, learn, and change. We're a work in progress who grow and change each day.
I think being content with yourself is a daily thing and it's more of not trying to change who you are for others and not trying to do things to prove something to someone else.
Basically be who you are and learn at your own pace :-)
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